On Addiction

I’ve always had an addictive personality and it’s either manifested as:
I feel too much and therefore I numb out.
Or I don’t want to feel and therefore I perfect the art of stuffing my feelings deep inside.

However, in the process of writing and publishing “The Shoemaker” something I never expected happened: I started to heal. In the past when I felt scared or anxious or panicked, my addict would take control of the situation in a way that wasn’t healthy — see the above two options — but of course, she was only doing her job and trying to protect me.

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In order to launch this book (and its siblings yet to come) I had to move through the anxiety, panic and fear.

Those emotions no longer serve either myself on a personal level, or my career. That doesn’t mean I still don’t get anxious when I have to take a new step (prepping for the print version for example). But now the feelings are more like echoes of what I used to feel. They are no longer as strong, nor as aggressive as they have been in the past. It’s much easier to say to them, “hey, thanks for showing up but there’s no job here for you today.”

I love my book and characters for the creation they are. But the transformative experience writing gives me — is something I will always be grateful for.

xo

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